2016 April 29, 12:17a

Bubbled breasts, protrude
bare and pallored against
these baby-blue sheets
and damp tungsten light.

I’m not yet a silhouette,
but I can see myself as such.

And like my chest, I bubble forward
frothing with thoughts and ideas
– my mind boils over
like Kraftwerk.

I’d love to lose the night
in this revelry,
these thinkings
, but know my purpose lies
in the dawn
(it hides).

So back & forth, I slide
in realizing my ideal
– where I should go,
what should I do
& during which  end of
existence?

I figure I will overflow
as I may
;

nothing stops me
just as nothing beckons me,
save the heat I feel.

So this is where I am now.
We’ll see when it keeps going,
and when it resumes.

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2016 April 29, 12:12a

I leave my door ajar
as proof that you’re gone
& to know that I’m free
to roam nekidly about.

No apologies needed –
I’m on my own time
at my own will
and my songs echo in acknowledgement.

I like my space.
It is mine.

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Stream of Consciousness #1000

Hello.

And I feel this flesh that surrounds
– even as my mind swirls, it stays still.
It grounds me
so trust it
that it will always be there
while I sleep, subconscious,
and during every waking moment

it pulsates.

But what does that say about my heart
as it pumps and whirls life
into the aforementioned?

– so together, yet at opposing ends.

I think of these things
– & there’s proof of a third realm:
mind, body, heart;
in which do I exist?
Where do I believe?
What serves as my
default?

I step back (from within myself)
and tell these that I am me,
a complete entity
– I communicate it all.

So I’m learning to let go
and know that
what I’m meant to say, I
will
when the time comes striking.

And I’ll pulsate
all the same,
breathing in & out again
and again, all the while.

I don’t need to pick and choose;
I can appreciate it all
whilst alternating the focus
of my instrumentation.

I am complete.
No need to think
about it
– just go with the flows
of being.

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Epiphany 31

What’s getting in my way?
Unconsciousness.
What’s making me unconscious?
Distractions.
What am I allowing myself to distract me?
Social Media.
Why am I attached to social media?
Relevance.
Why do I want to be relevant?
To feel loved.
Where else can I find that love?
Within myself.
How can I achieve love within myself?
Self-Gratitude.

So Gracious, Gracious, Gracious
I will try to remain
and maintain.

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Epiphany 30

Forgive fear;
fuck doubt.

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September 29, 2014

Don’t be afraid to be hungry
and don’t be afraid to be full.
Take this life one step at a time
and enjoy its ebbs and flows.

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Wonderland.

I’ve always been
one for whimsy:

many memories I hold
of my toes brushing stones
as the wind took my hand
to help me walk along ledges
lined with flower pots and dead petals,
my fingers swirling and exploring the cool air
of higher ground.

Everything to me
was a dance and an adventure:
every tree branch and every patch of grass,
every rooftop and wall:
they were my castles and ballroom floors
and I would strive to discover every crevice
–   I was so thirsty to figure
where I fall in this world
relative to these realms

and my curiosity always numbed
any sense of danger.

So so many treetops and brushes fill my past
and I remember how I anticipated what feats I would fathom
ten years ahead,
(how strong and smart they would make me).

Now those and more
have come and gone
and still I am navigating my
position,
though no longer through places
but persons.

High above or a glance below
my head arches and cranes to take in
their eyes, my stance
before I’m twirled into
the dance of status,
my toes curl beneath me
as I follow ebbs and flows
and chart the unknown territory of
foreign skin and wisps of hair
–   the scent of flower-beds past
replaced with musk and leather –
and the weight of this New World
presses down upon me.

Unafraid, again I am numbed
though now with the aid of cigarettes
and bottles of wine
–   curioser, will I grow or shrink? –
and I swing between splendor and stupor.

Where do I fit in?

Brave, I press on
and try to gain my landing
whilst standing on my side
reveling in the relationship
We have in relation to one another
rather than from within.

Just another exploit,
a step towards mastering my mind-set;
one more wall to walk along
with learned choreography
to try to triumph above.

But lately, I’ve realized
with these excavations for my identity,
I don’t like the motions I’m taking
nor what comes out on the other side:
what it is I’m becoming

because there’s no substance
and I’m afraid to say “No”.

And I find that, despite being a different
time and place,
I’m the same little girl
creating my own adventures
to cultivate my pride and
presence.

So now I must step back
and face the fact that
there is no guardian by my side
to witness my whimsy
– no audience to appreciate my strides –
no chaperone to take my hand
and I’m stumbling.
At the end of the day, I am alone
and these ventures and victories
have all just been
in my imagination.

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